I wasn’t sure whether I should write this.
I don’t know whether people would even care.
Or if this would mean anything to anybody else.
Because this isn’t a story of triumph through adversity.
This is no David vs Goliath.
This is a story of eternal struggle.
It is about Sisyphus, cursed to push a boulder up a hill.
And to have it rolled back down by the Gods.
Only for him to push it back up again – for eternity.
Trials
I am Sisyphus.
The past month or so has been a series of wins and losses in rapid succession right after the other. It feels like I’m running while staying in place.
Recently though, there have been more losses than wins.
I broke the heart of somebody very dear to me. And I mean that literally.
I injured their heart to the point where they worried about dying in the middle of the night.
They can’t do the things that they could do before.
And I’m responsible for that.
To say that I am saddened by this would be an understatement.
It has been a cause of grief and devastation for me.
To limit one’s freedom. To cause worry and anguish in another.
To be responsible for cutting off possibilities that once were.
I felt like staying in, blocking myself out from the world. Casting a curtain on the sun itself so that no light may reach me.
Then I found a book.
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
Kamal was suffering.
The company he’s been building for 4 years failed, he just went through a break-up and a close friend of his suddenly died.
He was physically sick, unable to get out of bed.
As Kamal stood at the precipice, feeling the lowest he’d ever been in his life, he made a vow to himself.
This day, I vow to myself to love myself, to treat myself as someone I love truly and deeply—in my thoughts, my actions, the choices I make, the experiences I have, each moment I am conscious, I make the decision I LOVE MYSELF.
The thing is, he didn’t know what to do beyond that. All he knew was that he had to love himself.
And so he experimented.
Whatever he tries that works, he keeps.
Anything that does not, he throws away.
What he did on that dark night though was something very simple.
He repeated the words “I love myself” over and over again.
For hours upon end.
Wherever he was and whatever he was doing.
Whether it was in bed, showering or talking to his friends, it didn’t matter.
It was a mantra he made for himself.
And in less than a month, he felt better.
He smiled more, he felt healthier. Amazing people came into his life. Problems were resolving themselves.
All from this delightfully simple practice.
So I began practicing it myself.
And I felt better.
Moments where I’d catch myself saying “I hate myself” being replaced with “I love myself”.
Lights peering into the cracks.
A process that I’m still undertaking.
Then, I realized something.
I had made a vow of my own a long time ago.
A Forgotten Vow
Many years ago, I was with someone who told me to love myself.
And so I promised every time I write in my journal, I would write these words.
“I’ll be a better person and I love myself”.
I had forgotten about it for almost a decade until now.
And I’m grateful for re-remembering it again.
I find the first half of that unnecessary now.
So let it be,
I love myself.